Most parents want their children to feel equally loved. And sometimes, in trying to show that love, money becomes the measure. It’s important to remember that money does not equal love, and treating your children equally doesn’t always create fairness. Here are some reflections we share when love, guilt, support, and legacy start to feel tangled with clients.

You can love your children equally – without spending the same

Spending the same on each child is nearly impossible – and most don’t expect it. My mother, for example, still gives me an extra Christmas gift to “even things out” because my sister has children and receives gifts for them too. It’s a lovely gesture, but I don’t need my mom to keep score – I love my niece and nephew, and they matter to me, too.

Most children need to feel equally seen, supported, and valued, and that cannot be measured in rands and cents.

Giving without boundaries can lead to dependence

Support can come from love, but constant financial rescue can disempower. Linda, a client, still gives both her adult children a monthly allowance, even though one is financially independent. Linda hadn’t considered that one child had a two-year head start in life and that early advantage made a difference. Keeping the support equal now might not be what’s truly needed – or helpful.

Continued support can hold a child back; sometimes, fairness means letting go. Is your financial support empowering your child? Or unintentionally keeping them dependent?

Fairness doesn’t mean splitting things equally

Robyn, another client, once shared that one of her daughters played hockey while the other pursued horse riding – a far more expensive sport. “Does that mean the one who played hockey should get a bigger inheritance because her passion cost less?” she asked. Not at all. Encouraging each child’s path is fair.

True fairness comes from knowing each child was supported in a way that matched their life, not in balancing a budget spreadsheet.

Guilt doesn’t need to guide your giving

Many parents feel guilty supporting one child more than another. Financial support can also strain the relationship; when expectations grow, the joy of giving can disappear. The key question to ask is: Is my child making an effort to become financially independent? If the answer is yes, you can work together to build a sustainable model of support. If not, it may be time to revisit expectations.

Generosity still needs boundaries

Supporting adult children can come at a cost. Michael, a retired client, still works part-time to support one of his adult children. His retirement savings aren’t growing, and if something were to happen to him, the self-sufficient child would likely be left to support their sibling. It’s a situation we see more often than you might think – the giving continues, retirement savings shrink, and the self-sufficient child ends up stepping in.

Ask yourself:

Am I helping – or enabling?
Can I afford this without compromising my future?
Could helping one child now unintentionally leave their sibling with the responsibility later on?
What if I use up my resources and later become a financial burden to my children?

Estate planning: Equal isn’t always possible – or wise

When one child has received more during your lifetime, should you “balance it out” in your will?
That’s where the legal principle of collation comes in. For example, you gave your son R300,000 to help buy a car. Your daughter didn’t receive anything. If you include collation in your will, your son’s R300,000 is counted into the estate – and your daughter would receive R300,000 more than he does.

But more often than not, we recommend that collation not apply. It’s difficult, and often unfair, to try and equalise every cent spent over a lifetime, especially when emotional support and family dynamics are involved.

Instead of trying to keep a perfect balance sheet, focus on clear communication and intention:

• Explain that inheritance is a gift, not a guarantee
• Be open and honest with your children about your will – don’t leave surprises
• If one child will inherit more, discuss your reasons with all your children
• Explain your intentions clearly and thoughtfully
• Reassure them that your love is not being measured in amounts

So, how do you plan with both love and fairness?

Here are some guiding principles:

• Your children don’t need equal spending to feel equally loved
• Encourage financial independence
• Plan for yourself first – generosity only works if it’s sustainable and within your means

Remember that fairness isn’t a financial formula. It’s about what feels right for you – and for your family.